It’s the start of a new school year, and like the start of every new school year, parents and caregivers are scrambling to download school-mandated apps. (Or struggling to remember how to log in to ones from last year!)
It’s hard to keep track of everything — especially if you have multiple kids. You might say, it’s hell!
For my kids, I have three mobile apps and two website-only programs. At least that I can count so far. They’re for things like figuring out bus pickup timings, notifying the school about days off, and keeping parents informed about grades and special events.
All of those things are helpful! (It’d be easier to have them all in one app.) But these apps and services are often clunky, buggy, and have confusing design — making it hard to figure out where to get the information you need.
To be clear, I don’t begrudge schools or teachers for using these. They need a communication system that’s easy so they can focus on teaching. But the apps … the apps, they are not delightful.
I tried to imagine how the companies — the names below are all made up — that make these apps might sit around and scheme ways to make parents’ lives terrible. So I imagined a morning standup meeting, like lots of tech companies have, for a product-development team:
[Interior: Flaming pits of Hell.]
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Head Demon: Hail Satan, and evil morning, everyone. Let’s each go around and talk about what we’re each working on today. Lesser Demon, let’s start with you. How is ParentTeam going?
Lesser Demon: Hail Satan. The ParentTeam app is going well. Yesterday, I wrapped the login flow so that you cannot log in without a special code from another app. Today, I’ll be making sure that it’s impossible to find that special code in the other app.
Now, I’m trying to decide whether to refer to the code as a “student access ID” or “child account ID.” I need to figure out which version the other app is using, so I can make sure not to use that same language.
Head Demon: Excellent work, sounds devious. Lesser Demon 2, you’re up.
Lesser Demon 2: I’m working on the bus app. Yesterday, I made sure that the old bus app had sunsetted. Instead of just updating the old app people had from last year, I made sure they now have to download a new version from the App Store. Today, I’m going to work on making sure that once they sign up for the new app, the data won’t update for at least 24 hours.
Head Demon: Love to hear it. How about you, QA Goblin?
QA Goblin: Yesterday, I spent the day clearing up a bunch of Jira tickets for the BusStations 1.0 app. Today, I’m making sure that an individual school code only exists in a Facebook post that one person wrote on the school’s Facebook group, and doesn’t match the district code in ParentTeam.
I’m also working with Lesser Demon 2 to make sure that the login from the old app doesn’t work anymore.
Head Demon: Great. Find some time to carve out today to sync up offline on that. Baphomet, let’s hear from you on the school lunch app?
Baphomet: Hail Satan, your evilacy. Yes, I spent yesterday making sure that the lunch menu website is written in text so small that it’s impossible to view on a mobile device. Today, I shall make sure that the fees to load money onto the lunch card are higher than ever!
Head Demon: Great. Imp 2?
Imp 2: Satan shall be most pleased with me! For my devilish work yesterday, I made sure that SchoolZum, the app that school administrators use to send messages to parents, will always require opening messages as an attachment in Google Drive as a PDF, muahhahahahahahahahahahaah. The mortals shall moan and gnash their teeth and wail at my treachery!
Today, I shall focus on making sure that whenever you click on the link about a new message, it takes you to the App Store to download the app — instead of opening the message inside the acutal app.
Bahahahahhahaha, Satan shall surely reward me for my most evil creations! The mortals shall rue the day they procreated, and surely our Dark Prince will soon return to his throne to rule them all!!!!! Mauhahahahahahahaha!!!
Head Demon: Excellent, let’s all get to work! Don’t forget that this week is the deadline to complete your self-evaluations in the Hellday portal. Hail Satan!
Team (in unison): Hail Satan!
